"Sunshine" has been one of my nicknames since high school. I've been told multiple times that I have a glow about me when I interact with others. In my everyday life, I make it my goal to smile as often as I can and be kind and warm to the people I meet. So, it might not be easy for most people to tell that I've been dealing with recurring depression for at least four and a half years.
Depression - it's not a fun word. It's not clearly understood by a lot of people either. It can be hard to spot depression or anxiety in others when we so often put on our best faces for the rest of the world. But there are growing numbers of people who, for various reasons, struggle with mood disorders or recurrent depression. It's not a "one size fits all" mental health issue. It happens at different frequencies and severities for different people. Yet, each person's struggle is valid.
Depression is not the same thing as just having a bad day. It can recur over a long period of time and doesn't simply go away. It is not something you can just process through, talk yourself out of, or eliminate with "positive vibes." It can cause exhaustion or insomnia, apathy, loss of focus and concentration, lethargy, extreme sadness or emotional numbness, appetite loss, digestive issues, chronic headaches, weight fluctuation, irritability, difficulty processing emotion, and social anxiety or withdrawal. All of these are symptoms that have characterized my journey with depression over the years.
Recently, while dealing with another bout of depression, I told my mom that I didn't know how I could deal with it any more. I couldn't face the thought of life with constant cycles of depression, constantly having to heal, cope, make self-care a priority, seek spiritual help and counseling and therapy. It felt like I was fighting a losing battle, one that would continue wearing me down. I didn't want life to be a constant struggle like this. Yet, in that moment I was failing to remember some of the powerful and life-giving truths that the Lord has slowly been teaching me.
Now, I am not discounting the importance of medication, therapy, healthy coping techniques, and self-care. Some Christians unfortunately harbor the opinion that mental health struggles can simply be solved by a stronger faith life and more church attendance. These things are not at all bad, and the Lord certainly is the Great Physician. However, we must have grace to understand that sometimes just praying more isn't enough.
On the other hand, we must also not overlook the fact that God is our greatest help and comfort, and all the yoga, therapy and "good vibes" in the world will never compensate for what hope, peace, and joy He can give. So, when you are feeling hopeless and discouraged, in the midst of a hard journey with your mental health, I've been there. And from one struggling person to another, here are some truths I have clung to on my darkest days:
You aren't fighting alone. Sometimes I've felt like I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and plow through another hard day. But we don't have to fight our battles alone. Our God goes before us. The battle is not ours, for He is with us and we don't have to be dismayed (2 Chronicles 20:15-17). He strengthens us for the monsters we must face, and that most certainly includes the depression and anxiety we deal with. He arms us with strength for each battle, each day (Psalm 18:39). The God who controls the seas and creates the galaxies - He is fighting with you.
There is rest for your weary, beaten soul. There is no better rest than in the arms of your Father, who made you and loves you and knows you better than anyone else ever could. Often, I've felt like I had to put on a smile and have it all together for people around me. But, God doesn't require that. We can go to Him broken, beaten down, weary and worn through, and He gives us rest (Matthew 11:28-29). He doesn't demand explanation, doesn't expect us to cheer up and put on a fake smile. We can be real, honest, raw, and vulnerable with our Father.
He is the light in the darkness. Especially with depression, life can feel dark. A painful darkness, a lonely darkness, or merely a hopeless grey fog, the reality is that depression can prevent us sometimes from seeing the joy and hope in life. It twists our perception. But that is not beyond God's reach. Even our own minds cannot prevent Him from giving hope and restoring joy and peace if we ask for it in faith. God is Light, and if He is in us then we also have that Light for ourselves. He brings light to our darkness (Psalm 18:28). More than that, He rescues us from darkness, brings us out of it, and delivers us into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). He does not give us a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). he restores and calms when we feel chaotic and broken.
God is still near you. With depression, it can be very difficult to feel God's peace and joy and presence. Yet, His presence with us is not based upon our feelings. Even when we feel alone, He is near. I can't count how many times I've picked up my Bible to read, but I haven't been able to feel that peace and joy I craved. Psalm 42:5 has echoed in my head - "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" Yet, His scripture promises that He will never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6) The God who knows every tear you shed, calls the stars by name, and watches every sparrow who falls to the ground - this God is the one who holds you and hears your cries.
You have purpose and value, even when you struggle. I have been tempted before to believe that God can't use me as efficiently because I struggle with my mental health. If you've been tempted to believe this too, Scripture says that's an absolute lie. God has a special and unique purpose for your life, regardless of and sometimes even through your struggles. You are not an inefficient or broken tool of Christ even though you may feel that way. He is able to do more than we could ever ask or imagine or try in our own power (Ephesians 3:20). He fulfills His purpose for you (Psalm 57:2). And He has awesome plans for you, even if you can't see beyond the day ahead of you.
My battle with recurrent depression has given me lots of challenges. Yet, the Lord has shown me so many beautiful and deep truths about Himself through this struggle. It has kept me leaning on His everlasting arms. And if it is something I struggle with for the rest of my life, then I know that it will keep bringing me back to Him every time, and that is something I can be thankful for.
If you feel alone in your mental health struggles, please know you are not. Even if no other person sees your pain, understands it, or deems it worthy of importance, know that your Heavenly Father sees it all, feels it all with you, and understands better than anyone ever could. He wants to wrap you up in His ever-capable arms, fight your battles for you, and carry your pain. Keep on searching for the Light, because it is there.